Revisiting, Recognizing, not Revising

maggie and milly and molly and may
went down to the beach(to play one day)

and maggie discovered a shell that sang
so sweetly she couldn't remember her troubles,and

milly befriended a stranded star
whose rays five languid fingers were;

and molly was chased by a horrible thing

which raced sideways while blowing bubbles:and

may came home with a smooth round stone
as small as the world and as big as alone.

For whatever we lose(like a you or a me)
it's always ourselves we find at the sea

dinner:

I taught my last classes today. Now I have a week before their finals come to burry me. I plan to lock myself in the library. But, tonight I took a bubble bath and Abbie's going to come get me for a glass(es) of wine. 

I need a hair cut. 

I think: I'm in the trees

It's snowy and the kitties are asleep on the bed and I have to go to campus to grade a mountain of exams. And campus is less fun without my lovely advisor. I do miss her: 

I have been feeling very directionless without my guide. Lost in a forest and I've dropped my lantern. 

"It's so hard to keep my sticky little fingers off the controls of this spaceship, especially when I get scared, like know when God has not bothered to give me the specific details of his solution to our... needs. I'm just a little edgy being in the dark about it. I don't understand why he always has to be so goddamn weird about his plans."  (-A.L.)

Anne Lamott says:

"So we will find ourselves at some point, maybe many times, in what feels like a crawl space, scared of unseen spiders, pulling ourselves along on our elbows, the skin rubbed raw, not knowing for sure whether we will ever arrive at a place wherewe can stand up again in the daylight. This is waht it feels like to grieve a loss that is just too big, the loss of a loved one, or of one's childhood, or whatever. 

"Yet we almost always come out on the other side, maybe not with all our f-a-c-u-l-t-i-e-s intact, but in good enough shape." 

One can only hope she's right.

...crawling, crawling, crawling...

that's it exactly:

I'm sitting at the coffee shop reading, "Founding Mothers and Others: Women Educational Leaders During the Progressive Era" and minding my own business; Carly, Alastair, Birddie, MingWei, Ray, and Megan all show up on their own and there are little pockets of conversation in the middle of all this work. 

*That* is what I miss about Madison. 

Back in Madison

This blog is starting to feel a little bit like a yo-yo. I hate Stevens Point... I'm back in Madison... I hate Stevens Point... But: I'm back in Madison. I was supposed to have a meeting with my advisor today but she emailed me to cancel 15 minutes after I got here. I could be annoyed that I came all the way down here for nothing, but the poor woman's sick, so I'm cutting her some slack. 

Plus, it meant that I did not have to stay up until all hours last night trying to gather my reams of notes into coherent thoughts. 

As soon as I got that email, I immediately drank a two-hearted ale with Matt (who asked me if I had read the short story by Hemmingway for which the beer is named. I had not. it was embarrassing). 

Matt's brother is in town as is Annie's friend Tyler, so it's a very full house. Last night we sat out on the porch and Carly and Rush came over and we drank beer and laughed and laughed. Perfect.

Now its morningtime. Ali and I are drinking coffee and I am organizing myself in my head. 

Without this huge meeting hanging over my head, the day has opened up exponentially! Should I read the 7 more books I have for my MA? Should I grade the 75 student papers I brought back with me? Should I work on my incomplete? (probably that one). Should I write my lectures for next week? 

So many choices, who could possibly ask for all this freedom!?

food for thought:

I forgot to take pictures of the process, but dinner tonight was a "cook what's left in the fridge" affair. It turned out pretty well, considering: 
Table Scraps: 

tofu, kale, celery, water cress, mushrooms

onion, garlic, ginger

coconut shavings, cumin, fennel

splash toasted sesame oil, braggs, tahini. 

yum, yum, yum

and now I am working on my lecture for tomorrow. Things are a little "by the seat of my pants" right now, but there is just so much going on. After lecturing tomorrow, I am going back to Madison again. On friday I have a meeting with Jeanne in which I have to "tell her what I've been learning about the Progressive era" which is a big enough topic as it is, but in addition to that, it's really code for "tell me you clear, important, history-revising argument." 

I'm not ready for this...